A new perspective

I have been thinking about this post for a long time. Actually for a few months. And the holidays are on my mind more than ever. In one way I dread them, but in another way...I know I want them to come. You see last year was the worst holiday season of my life. Even worse than when my grandpa died 6 days before Christmas. He was suffering and needed to go be with Jesus, so it was an answered prayer and we rejoiced in his healing. But this is different for me. I am struggling with this, and you may or may not understand why, but I'm going to try to explain it.

A year ago on Thanksgiving was when Jason left, and it started a battle that lasted until March. That battle included more pain and heartbreak than I ever knew possible. In that time I learned more about myself, and drew closer than I have ever been to God. Christmas Eve was quite possibly the worst night of my life, and Christmas day, I was the strongest I have ever been, and hope to be. If you are new or want to revisit my posts on this matter, my archives are in the side bar and of course go to November 2009 to March of this year.

I know you are thinking well, Jessica, you and Jason are okay now though, so what's the matter? Well, even though things are great, I still know that pain. I can close my eyes and feel the hurt just as I did a year ago. I can explain every bit of my heartbreak and tell you things that would make a dead man cry. Of course I am happy now, and life is grand, but for some strange reason I dread the holidays. For me I think Thanksgiving will always be a reminder of what happened and what "could" happen. Christmas Eve will always be there in the back of my mind, and this year...all I want is to cook for my family and have a great holiday season.

I want the smile on my face to match the look in my eyes. My eyes weren't smiling last year, and my heart wasn't full. So in one way I know I will break down once or twice over the holidays, but I hope it's a reminder of where I came from, what I have been through, and what all I have learned and gained. In another way, I look forward to adding happy memories.

So for this Thanksgiving season, I want to take the time to wish each and every one of you an amazing Thanksgiving. I am putting this up early because I hope all of my blog buds have a chance to read this before actual Turkey day. Folks, don't take what you have for granted. If it's small, leave it as that. Don't turn those small things into big things and let it ruin an afternoon, a day, or even a weekend or week, and God forbid a relationship. Life is precious and way way too short. If you can't find something to be thankful for, let me help you because this is all of what I am thankful for...

First and foremost I am thankful for God. Although I do not spend near enough time keeping up my relationship with Him, He still loves me and cares for me and has a place in Heaven waiting on me. Thank the Lord for mercy, grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love that never ever ends.

Next I am thankful for my family.

-I am so thankful for my wonderful man Jason whom I love with all of my heart. We have had a rough road, but we both have done lots of growing up and changing and I know that this is what God wants for us. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him, and I could never ever express my love and thankfulness for him. -Emmy is by far the best thing that has ever ever happened to me besides salvation. She is the light of my life and kept me going when I didn't think I could go on. She makes me smile daily and she is my miracle child who brightens the lives of everyone she knows. I can not imagine life without her, and I love her more than the air I breathe. How can you express thankfulness for such an amazing child?!

-For my parents, who raised me right and taught me about a God who provides, who gives and who will save me from a burning hell. They tried their best to show me the right directions in life and they showed me more love than most people ever know. I am so blessed to still have them, married, and in my life.

-For my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and anyone else who is in my family that doesn't fit in these categories...I love them all and am so thankful that they are in my life. Our family is so close, not as close as we could be, but closer than most...we may fuss with passion, but we love with more.

I am thankful for my friends, for all of you who have been there for me when I needed you, all who have prayed for me, lifted me up with encouragement and laughter, who have sent me goodies, emails, letters, messages...friends are so special. I have so many wonderful friends and now I know why so many followed Jesus...he was a true friend.

I am very thankful for my health. A year ago I was pretty heavy and I was able to lose 40lbs that I have kept off although I lost more than that initially. sigh. A work in progress. I am thankful for strength and energy, for good eye-sight and hearing, taste, touch, for everything that I have.

I am thankful for food and water, heat and air, oxygen to breathe, appliances and all that make life more convenient and easier. I am thankful for a home, for pets and all animals, for vehicles and ways of communication and travel. I am thankful for my job, for money that pays bills, for life. For Internet and computers...the works. We are spoiled, blessed people...truly we are.

I am thankful for everything around me, everything in my home, around my home, I'm even thankful for everyone elses' homes and things...for all of God's creations and things, even the weather.

I am thankful for God's word and a wonderful church home that I need to be attending more. I am thankful for the salvation of all of God's children, especially my family and friends who are saved. I am thankful for a church where half my family attends together, and I look forward to a day where my entire family attends together.

Lastly, I am so thankful that God is a listening God, and that He heard my pleads and prayers a year ago, and that He saw my guilt, my pain, and that He fixed it. It didn't happen overnight, and He is still working in this situation...but God is Amazing.

Happy Thanksgiving, and please spread your thankfulness and tell people how thankful you are for them.

Find something to be thankful for, in fact...find everything to be thankful for!

I love you all, and I hope you and your family have all your needs met and enough to share!

Jess